I'd like to take some time to write about why I chose to
convert/revert to Islam. Over the past
month a lot of people I have asked me why I chose to convert/revert to Islam. I
can never seem to explain it right. Some people were surprised at my
decision. Others have told me they felt
it was only a matter of time. Overall,
almost everyone has been supportive.
First, I feel I need to say that my decision to revert to
Islam was not a snap decision. It was
not a reaction to something that happened in my life. I wasn't pressured. I didn't just wake up one morning and say,
"I think I'll revert to Islam today."
This decision was at the very least a year in the making. And if I truly look back at my life, I can honestly
say it was a lifetime in the making.
The first experiences I had with religion were as a
child. My mother was raised southern
Baptist, and until I was about 5 or 6 years old, I grew up in the Baptist
church. The things I can remember about
these experiences were great. However,
they were not great because of what I was learning about religion, they were
great because they involved family. As a
child I loved spending time with my cousins, aunts, uncles, and
grandparents. Naturally, growing up in
the south a lot of this time spent together revolved around church.
When I was 6 years old my mother remarried and we moved to
Hawaii. We stopped going to church. I don't know why. Maybe it was because my mom couldn't find a
church she liked, or it may have been because she herself was never really
satisfied with her religion and just chose to stop going. The point is, that church stopped being
important in my life. Instead I spent my
Sundays with friends playing, or with my dad for visitation.
At some point while we were living in Hawaii I did have an
interesting religious experience. I
remember being very afraid of bad things happening to me or my family. I was so scared that I starting have problems
sleeping. One day I talked about this
with my babysitter Cathy. Cathy was a
very nice lady and a great babysitter.
She told me that I didn't need to be afraid because God would take care
of me and my family. Then, she taught me
how to pray. For years I remembered the
prayer she taught me. Almost every night
before I would go to sleep I would say this prayer, even into adulthood, and it
helped. It helped me to know that there
was a higher power watching over me. That
there was something or someone stronger than me out there taking care of me and
my family.
It wasn't until I was about 15 that religion and faith came
back into the picture for me. Now, over
the years I remember thinking about God and whether or not he existed. I would say my prayers at night, but I began
to wonder if anyone was listening, or if they even cared. Around this time my mom and I moved back to
Panama City. I was an awkward
teenager. I was very shy and had about
zero self esteem. My mom thought it
would be a good idea for me to start spending time with my cousins again, which
of course meant at church. The only
thing was, we had all changed a lot over the years and we didn't really have
much in common any more. I still loved
them and wanted to spend time with them, but they had their own groups of
friends and I didn't really feel comfortable trying to fit in. Plus, the few times that I actually went to
the baptist church with them and sat through a sermon I really didn't like
it. I didn't like what the preacher had
to say. His sermon seemed filled with
anger at others and their beliefs. He
was ranting about the theory of evolution and basically saying that anyone who
believed in it was a moron. This just
didn't sit right with me. Wasn't church
supposed to be a happy place? Wasn't the
preacher supposed to be a kind man who spoke kind words? Shouldn't we love our fellow man, even if he
or she has different beliefs?
So after this brief re-encounter with religion, I was left
unsatisfied. If this was what organized
religion was about, I wanted no part of it.
I would just continue to say my nightly prayers and have a relationship
with God on my own.
That is pretty much how things went on for the next few
years. I still wasn't satisfied
spiritually, but I didn't really know what to do. Then I started taking college courses. One of the classes I took was an Intro to
Religion course. This class really blew
my mind. After reading about the ancient
religions of Egypt, the early Christians, and so on, I began to question
religion all together. It seemed like
everyone had similar thoughts and ideas, just different ways of getting
there. And for some reason they hated
each other for their differences which led to fighting and wars. I once again found myself thinking,
"why?" I began to wonder if
organized religion was just a platform for hatred. I also began wondering who was right. If after thousands of years we were still
arguing over how to worship God, who had it right? I didn't want to commit to something that
didn't feel right. So I continued to
worship in my own way, but this course had affected me. It had made me seriously think about religion
and faith again. It had made me question
what I believe. It had opened my eyes to
a whole other side of things.
A few years after taking that religion course I was in my
early twenties and I had what I call a serious "epiphany of
mortality." Up until this point in
my life I hadn't really thought much about death. I don't think many young people really
do. Out of nowhere, it just hit me. One day I am going to die. One day my Mom (the most important person in
my world) will die. Then what? Is that it?
Is this life all there is? Will I
never be with my loved ones again? Will
it be complete nothingness? Or will I go
to Heaven? What if I go to Hell? All these questions began floating around in
my mind. It sometimes got so
overwhelming I would breakdown in private and cry. I was so scared. Terrified.
That was when I knew that I had to come to a decision. I had to decide, at least on some basic level,
what I believed.
I searched my heart and my mind. I thought about everything I knew about
religion, faith, and spirituality. I
talked to my Mom, my Grandmother, and some of my very close cousins. I read what I could. Finally, I decided. There was no way this world could exist
without God. I know the different
scientific explanations for our planet and our universe. I've read about the big bang theory. I'm familiar with the teachings of
evolution. I consider myself to be a
well educated woman. Taking all this
into account, I still believe in God. I
believe that this entity exists. I
believe that God created me, that he has a plan for me, and that one day (iA) I
will return to him.
Once I decided to truly believe, I thought I would be satisfied. I thought I could still just worship in my
own way and that would be fine. I didn't
feel the need to go to a church and listen to sermons. I still didn't know who was right and I still
had all the same issues with organized religion.
Then I met Hanan Elzawarhy.
This woman truly changed my life.
Hanan and I had a graduate course in reading together at FSU
PC. The class was pretty small so we
gradually got to know one another. I
learned that she was working at a local Islamic private school. She told me she would love for me to come and
teach there if they had any positions open up.
I didn't really think much about it at the time. People say things like this all the
time. But I gave her my name and
number. After the course ended we didn't
really keep in touch. As summer went on
I continued applying for teaching positions within the district. Unfortunately, the job market wasn't very
good and I didn't get picked up.
However, a week into the school year I received a call for a long term substitute
position, which I took. A few days later
Hanan called and asked if I would be interested in a teaching position. I had to tell her no. I had already committed to the long term sub
position and I would have felt horrible leaving the kids.
That summer I was picked up at a local elementary school. Once again a couple of weeks later Hanan
called me and asked me if I was available to teach. I told her I had just accepted a position but
to keep me in mind for the future. It
seemed like things weren't meant to work out.
That first teaching position was rough. I won't go into details here, but let's just
say public school teachers are extremely underpaid when you consider they basically
do two to three different jobs. I used
to feel like I was a teacher during school hours and a secretary after the
children left. At the end of the year I
was left wondering if I even really wanted to be a teacher anymore. I was worn out, stressed out, and emotionally
and physically drained. To top it all
off my contract wasn't renewed because of budget cuts in the district. I knew I LOVED teaching, and I really
couldn't see myself doing anything different, but I was very confused about
where life was going to take me next.
I went into summer
unsure if I would be teaching again the next year. I still put in applications within the
district, and went to numerous interviews.
However, with over 100 people
applying for one teaching position the job market for educators was
saturated.
During the summer I was working for a local summer
camp. I had worked there for the past
three summers and I loved it. I knew
that Hanan's daughter sometimes attended the camp from past summers, and I
would occasionally see Hanan briefly during drop off and pick up times. We always said hello and sometimes chatted
about random things going on in our lives.
One afternoon Hanan came in to drop off her daughter and I mentioned
that I had a copy of my resume with me and I would love to give it to her in
case they needed any teachers. Hanan was
in a rush, but told me to give it to her husband. So that afternoon when her husband came to
pick up their daughter, I handed over my resume. I wasn't sure if it would go anywhere, but I
was hopeful.
The next day Hanan called me to set up an interview. I was very excited, but nervous at the same
time. I had never worked in a private
school. I didn't know that much about
Islam and Muslims. The interview went
great. I met the Principal, and he was a
very nice man. They hired me on the
spot. I was very happy to have a
job. However, I was still a little
nervous. This was going to be a
completely new experience for me. I
decided to go into it with an open mind and an open heart. I would see it as a learning experience. If things didn't work out, at least I would
learn something new.
As it turns out, it was the best thing that has ever
happened to me! Teaching at this school
completely renewed my love of teaching.
I spent my year with a bunch of amazing, bright, funny, sweet children. I was actually able to focus on teaching not
paperwork. I met a ton of wonderful new
people. And I began to learn about
Islam.
At the beginning of the school year I had been invited to a
Sharing Ramadan event. While I was there
I picked up a book on Islam. As the year
went on I would read a little bit of the book here and there. I occasionally talked about Islam with a few
of my fellow teachers. I would ask
questions and listen attentively to their answers. I had also picked up a Quran which I would
sometimes read from. I liked what I was
learning. This religion spoke so much
about kindness towards others, caring about others, doing the right thing, and
being a good person. Then I actually saw
these things in action. The people in
the community were very kind to me. I
went to many school and community events where I saw the way the people
interacted with each other, with their families, and with the teachers. Every Friday a group of students would get
together in the gym to make sandwiches to give out to the homeless. And when I heard the Imam talk, he didn't
spew anger or hate. He talked about
love. He talked about accepting our
fellow man. He talked about kindness and
generosity. When I heard an Imam come
and talk to the youth, he spoke about caring for your family. These were the things I needed to hear. This felt right. It made sense. I began to feel something change inside
me. I began to feel at home. I told my best friend and my Mom that I was
thinking about converting. I continued
to read, and question, and listen.
As we went into summer and my birthday was fast approaching
I started to think about my future. I
knew I would be teaching at the Islamic school again. I knew I wanted to start thinking about
settling down. I even started thinking
that I may want to have kids one day.
The more I thought about my future, the more strongly I felt about
converting to Islam. I realized that
Islam was my future. I thought back on
my life so far and how I had struggled so hard to find a faith that felt right
to me. I thought about how I had
experienced such a rocky start to teaching and how Hanan had always seemed to
be there in the background. It was like
she had acted (unknowingly of course) as some kind of guide, slowly bringing me
to the school and through that to Islam.
I came to see that I wanted a future with Islam in it. I wanted to submit myself to Allah (swt) and
allow Him to truly guide my life. I
honestly feel in my heart that this is what He has been guiding me to all
along.
Once I came to the realization that Islam was my future, the
decision to convert felt 100% natural.
So that's my story. I said
Shahadah on June 28, 2013. It was an
experience I hope I never forget. I've
never felt so much love and acceptance.
I can truly say I'm happy. I know
things may not always go as I plan or want, but I know that Allah (swt) is
guiding me. I am filled with hope for my
future.
